This Too Shall Pass
For quite some time I’d been optimistic for 2020, I had these thoughts of rekindling with an old flame or maybe this was the year I’d meet someone new and generally speaking move forward but I am reaching the place where I am now no longer looking for an explanation to how this year has turned out.
Taking into account a long stretch of singledom and a pandemic I was hopeful, who wouldn’t want to spend every living breathing moment with their other half! Perfecting ‘that’ banana loaf recipe, sipping tea, working from home, Sunday lie-ins and taking long strolls. Tackling the problems of the world together, confiding in someone day in and day out, it was a nice thought. On the realistic end of the scale, there’s been a lot of impatience, partly on my end but also a little bit of sadness at the realisation that even while time has stood still, the fast-paced living has ground to a halt and jumping on planes and trains is no longer an option I still can’t seem to find what I’m looking for, someone who is willing to make that time, effort and steady commitment. A serious lack of those with a clean slate and positive mentality to make it work. Personally my thoughts still stand as ‘Better off alone and at peace…to I’ll make my own cuppa and take myself out thanks…to...but a couples Sunday breakfast in bed would be nice.’
Give me those belly laughs, those times where you can be utterly daft and not think anything of it with a partner, over the anxiety of a new lover who reeks disappointment any time they are with you due to the unhappiness of their own life. They have nowhere to escape to now, can’t wash away their sins with a pint and a glance across the bar, can’t pack up, move cities and leave you and there’s definitely no opportunities to go missing for the night when the 6pm curfew is in place. Reality is well and truly hitting home and sometimes it makes me think would I have had a better chance in the past if these current rules had been in place? Would these men have found their peace and really settled into the commitment of being with you rather than looking for the next best thing thinking the grass would be greener?
Although, I think I can speak for everyone in saying that we really didn’t have any idea that we would hit November still in this mess, but it would have been nice to share those concerns with someone. My family has been a blessing and friends have been wonderful during this time but there’s something about really connecting with someone on a personal level and the pandemic has well and truly wiped that out, between rules and regulations there’s a void looking to be filled. Not only have you to protect your heart but you live with the added pressure of protecting yourself and loved ones from a virus.
My favourite line back in June was ‘We’re in the middle of a pandemic.’ The funny thing was how did I know this was the middle, I didn’t. It really was just the beginning. A road of long, hard and confusing months for dating, working and living. You could date, then you couldn’t, my work was open and things were full steam ahead, busy days and even busier nights…then the units were closed, only to re-open with stricter and harder measures in place that really none of us could navigate through. You can’t go for dinner never mind trust telling someone your dating you’re having a bad day and struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, oh no that’s too much, you’re asking for emotional availability.
For those that know me you’ll know I’m an open book, transparent and hopeful. I like to see the good in others hoping that this may be reciprocated, this year has been a blessing for slowing down, healing and understanding, albeit a couple of curve balls thrown in. To come out the other side of this with loved ones still here it makes you grateful, taking the morning commute to work, the commute you used to grumble at, makes you grateful. Affording a morning coffee and walking into your favourite store, makes you grateful. Simply, the small things put everything else into perspective, it would just be nice at times, to share that. I felt terribly lonely when three of my family members contracted Covid-19, I was worried sick and not only concerned that they may not be well enough to get through it but also there was the dread of speaking to anyone about it as people have a lot worse going on but at the same time admitting your struggles can feel a little shameful when you have a roof over your head and food to eat.
We are nearing the end of 2020, for many it’s a sigh of relief and a farewell to darker more difficult times. I just sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have spent the time with another without the distractions. Maybe we would have even made it through this time together. I’ll never know, but I’m okay with that.
